News with a Twist-11-06-10

Olympic Torch Modified After Risk Assessment

by Michael Colman

No, its not a high tech hearing aid, a designer cosh for muggers or even a model of a new city skyscraper. It’s the Olympic torch, coming to a town near you.

Organisers claim everyone will be within one hour of seeing it if they can get their butts off the sofa and can afford the petrol for a two hour round trip. It will also be available to watch on the red button

The torch to be carried through the streets will be a worthless plastic replica to deter thieves from deprived areas. To prevent it being used as a weapon, when struck it is designed to bend and wilt like a daffodil. The replica is light enough to be carried by children. If necessary the children may be carried by athletes. Inspirational stuff.

This modified version results from a risk assessment to prevent injury to arm and leg muscles and the potential to be dropped on toes of the athletes thus negating years of training and missing out on the chance to compete. To prevent burns and save local Fire Brigade time the flame will be “fake fire” similar to that used in Las Vegas casinos or on a Big Brother Roman orgy night.

Unsurprisingly, the replica torch is available on the website in the “Light my Fire” section. The first 500000 purchases will attract treble Olympic loyalty card points.

The original concept of the Olympic torch was that messengers where sent out to announce competitions and call a halt to wars in readiness for the games. Torch bearing volunteers are needed for Libya, Israel, Syria and all points east.

First shown at London Festival Fringe, 10 June 2011

http://www.londonfestivalfringe.com/general/post/?p=9517&type=

News with a Twist-11-06-06

Cucumbers released after mistaken identity by Michael Colman

This week in Lubeck cucumbers were released from custody in a clear case of mistaken identity following the confession of a batch of bean sprouts in causing the recent e-coli outbreak.

The cucumbers had been interrogated by German police and a psychiatrist who had seen the cucumbers as attention seekers suffering from low self esteem caused by photographers preferring to use lettuce, radicchio and rocket in magazine adverts for healthy food.

“We are cool”, yelled the angry cucumbers as they left custody but waiting paparazzi still ignored them and took pictures of the psychiatrist and the police sergeant.

Following a police apology one of the vegetables said it would be difficult to return home and face relatives back at the greenhouse in Spain.

Meanwhile a cucumber who introduced herself as Ms. Cutie, keen to enjoy her fifteen minutes of fame, posed provocatively hoping to secure a gig with an English tabloid or Premiership footballer.

Earlier she had protested she thought it impossible for police officers to mistake her firm silky green skin for that of a pale insignificant misshapen bean sprout.

As they were driven away one cucumber enquired to their destination. “Lunch”, replied the officer; “I know a good salad bar”.

First Shown on London Festival Fringe 6 June 2011

http://www.londonfestivalfringe.com/general/post/?p=9470&type=